Hamslam: DTF

Dear Hamslam,

Again and again, I have come back from a party with the girl of my dreams, only to have the night end with a sweet little kiss and an “I had a good night, call me tomorrow?” And I walk home alone that night. So, as I look around campus to see the droves of beautiful women, some of whom must also have similarly raging hormones, I have a nagging question in the back of my mind – Why isn’t everyone DTF? Hope this counts as a priority on your to-do list.

Dear Reader,

This is not only a wonderful question, but also something I have been puzzling over for the past couple of weeks. Let me begin by saying that this is a complicated and multifaceted issue. The first reason that women at Lewis & Clark are not DTF, that is, “down to fuck,” is that they are woman and are, as a rule, more cautious about that sort of thing than men are. Also, because of our societal standards, women who are promiscuous are often viewed as sluts. This image does not get anybody very far in life if they are not equipped at the player’s game. Most women are not. Additionally, because LC is such a small community, reputations such as being a slut spread rapidly, so that suddenly all 2,000 undergraduates are aware.

There is also the issue of the double standard. While men are praised for being promiscuous, women are not. Some women try to play the powerful, self-directed, independent, feminist type, but this still equates to being a slut, which I think is unfortunate. Also, due to LC’s size, those who do hold out usually end up with boyfriends or marriage proposals. Plus, gentlemen, let’s admit, the chase is 80 percent of the fun. Once you get the goods it’s on to the next challenge. So for women, a good strategy is to pop a lock on the ol’ YKK* until they feel that they are valued as individuals.
Another idea, though, is that the women of LC are just too concerned with what other people think. So much so, that they will not indulge their true desires and instead suppress them. This in the end might be why so many are stressed all the time. It really boils down to a fear. Fear of what others say and a lack of self-respect and confidence to direct their own lives. One last thing to keep in mind is that a large percentage of LC ladies have boyfriends that are off campus, and some have given up on men completely and moved on to the fairer sex.

Now to the next question. This girl of your dreams, dear reader, must have thought of all these things and for that reason she is not DTF… at first. But let me assure you that the hormones are there and they are probably boiling over with desire for you. It’s funny though, because in my freshman year there were a whole slew of women who were absolutely DTF, and now it seems that has changed. My recommendation for the gents is to keep up the good work: Keep your doors unlocked at night and let the ladies read my words of wisdom. Once they have internalized it they will for sure be in your arms. And if that does not work, be sure to go see David Coleman, the real “date doctor,” Feb. 21 at 2 p.m. in Council Chambers. Then you will really get laid.

*YKK is the company that makes all the zippers in the world. Check now. Do it.


2 responses to “Hamslam: DTF

  1. It’s weird that Ham Slam makes so many people mad. the real reason all these ladies aren’t putting out is that there are so many sloppy ass dudes out there. If you haven’t showered/shave in the last two days and you are trying to get ladies what the fuck do you think is going to happen? So the bottom line here is why aren’t more dudes presenting themselves in a manner that would get them the sex they crave. Get some fucking soap…and a razor, assholes.

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